PMDD ~ The Reality

‘The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.’ ~ C. Joybell C.

My name is Annie and I am a sufferer of PMDD.

I have been suffering with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder for about 8 years. I cannot be 100% certain, but I believe it was triggered by a sudden and traumatic change in life circumstances.

My husband and I parted ways back in late 2008, and I, taking the brunt of responsibility and guilt for our flailing marriage; renounced practically everything I owned to relocate half way across the world.

I moved from a subtropical continent, where I was very comfortable, living in my own home, with my own ‘things’ and supportive group of family members, animals and friends. We were financially comfortable enough to keep our 1st property as an investment when we bought our 2nd property, a nicer variation of an old house in a reasonably close suburb to the inner city. We had cars, furnishings, social weekends and all the mod-cons of a middle class young couple you could want.

We were living the modern suburban dream.

When I left, none of the material things we had accumulated seemed important, so I left them too. I flew to London with 2 bags, having stored a few small boxes of precious memories at my mother’s (note: these few things have now grown to an embarrassingly larger scale of items I shipped back and currently have no access too or need for, but still make themselves at home in the garage of my mother’s house!).

From the moment the decision was made to end our relationship, to the moment of departure for my one-way flight to London, was a total 2 month interval involving a drastic, sudden upheaval and intense emotions for both parties.

At the time, I was running on pure adrenalin and momentum. I hadn’t given much thought to how a sudden change in every single part of my life, was going to affect my hormones, to the degree it has today.

Let me be clear, I have no regrets in my life. None. These days, however, I am more tuned in intuitively and physically, to my mental, physical and subtle body than ever before.

While I am by no means an expert on the subject, and the only medical degree I can attest to is in Veterinary Nursing, I have explored, tried, tested, and experienced many holistic approaches and methods to managing PMDD.

During this article, I would like to share with you my own personal tips and recommendations on how to manage PMDD. I hope it will not only help others in my situation, but also aid in creating awareness for partners, family members and friends of sufferers, about how to be present and supportive with what is, a difficult and widely misunderstood disorder.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder causes are still up for debate, however, it may be an abnormal reaction to normal hormone changes that happen with each menstrual cycle. The hormone changes can cause a serotonin deficiency. Serotonin is a substance found naturally in the brain and intestines that narrows blood vessels and can affect mood and cause physical symptoms.

There are other risk factors associated, such as a family history of the disorder; pre-existing conditions such as depression and other mood disorders; and, interestingly, lower education and smoking.

For example, in my case; a serious and traumatic event, or series of events that led to dramatic life circumstances and changes led to a marked drop in serotonin, which in turn led to depression and PMDD. I dare say, this all stemmed from PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Without getting all scientific and statistical about it, I have not had this confirmed or diagnosed by a professional, and there is also no definitive findings that I am aware of, regarding the role of reduced serotonin levels and PTSD.

It’s easy enough to do, let something like this creep up on you without the realization of the impact it is having on your mental and physical body. As it is, it’s hard enough adjusting to a life as a single person after almost 10 years, let alone a completely different way of living – people, culture, environment, diet.

So, what exactly is PMDD?

PMDD is a much more severe form of Premenstrual Syndrome. While PMS affects nearly 85% of women worldwide, PMDD affects only a small percentage of us, a number between 3-8%.

The disorder impairs sufferers to such a degree that women have trouble functioning in normal environment’s, such as their home, work place, social activities and close, interpersonal relationships.

Is it any wonder that one of the common symptoms of this disorder is isolation.

Other symptom’s are wide and varied, they include, but are not be limited to:

1) Very depressed mood, feeling hopeless
2) Marked anxiety, tension, edginess
3) Sudden mood shifts (crying easily, extreme sensitivity)
4) Persistent, marked irritability, anger, increased conflicts
6) Loss of interest in usual activities (work, school, socializing, etc.)
6) Difficulty concentrating and staying focused
7) Fatigue, tiredness, loss of energy
8) Marked appetite change, overeating, food cravings
9) Insomnia or sleeping too much
10) Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
11) Physical symptoms such as weight gain, bloating, breast tenderness or swelling, headache, and muscle or joint aches and pains

The general consensus is that at least 5 are required to make the diagnosis, and 1 of those must be within the first 4 listed above. I suffer from every single one of the above, plus a few others, depending on how well I’ve stuck with my usually, very disciplined health and stress-management routines (which I will go into in more detail later.).

The symptom’s are cyclical; in fact, if they are present consistently, it is likely they are related to other illness’s. It is important to note that if you are suffering with any of the above or more, you should always consult a health professional for confirmation and diagnosis before drawing your own conclusions.

The symptom’s will also change. The same symptom’s will not always be present for each and every cycle, you may experience some months worse than others; and this is where I would like to offer some of my own tried, tested and safe approaches to managing a life with PMDD.

Below are my own easy to apply holistic suggestions on how to work with PMDD, managing symptom’s and side effects to reduce the effect the disorder has in your life. If I slip up and get lazy in any of the following areas, it is very likely my next cycle will present me with many of the symptom’s listed above.

Rest – It may seem simple and you may be rolling your eye’s at the suggestion, but we all know too well how easy it is to get caught up in the whirlwind of events that is the ‘modern-day-life’. Whether it be a deadline at work, family or social commitments, or an endless stream of errands we need to run; we rarely give ourselves time to rest and recuperate. The time leading to menstruation, for any woman, is a serious time of depleted energy levels. Women are so good at nurturing and providing for others, that we often miss the warning signs our bodies give us when we need to start slowing down and looking after ourselves.

Diet – Are you eating enough and is it the good kind of enough? We should be eating smaller meals, more often. We should also be cutting down on caffeine, if not giving it up entirely. Alcohol is a huge trigger, as is chocolate. And if you think it’s ok to swap milk chocolate for dark, I am afraid it will only make matters worse. I am guilty of all of the above. After all, who doesn’t crave that caffeine boost first thing in the morning when the weight of impending menstruation is bearing down on you. Or that ‘medicinal’ glass of red with dinner in the evening to help subdue any physical pain; let alone those few little morsels of rich chocolate to satisfy our sugar cravings! Unfortunately, none of it will help.

As an added extra, if you’re vegan, like me, I find my symptom’s lessen when I eat a diet that is mostly raw.

Supplementation – Supplements, I would love to say that I live without them, but at this stage in my life experimentation, I find there are a few which I rely on to keep me on the straight and narrow with my hormones. Evening Primrose Oil, Magnesium, B6 and, as a bi-product of being vegan, B12. We take evening primrose oil for premenstrual syndrome (PMS), breast pain, endometriosis, and symptom’s of menopause, such as hot flashes. Magnesium supplementation will help alleviate symptom’s such as muscle cramps, facial tics, poor sleep, and chronic pain. And although vitamin B6 deficiency is not common, it can easily be caused by vitamin B12 and folic acid deficiencies. Vitamin B6 is involved in the syntheses of some of the neurotransmitters that affect mood. Vitamin B6 acts as a cofactor in the production of dopamine and serotonin – a key leading contributor to PMDD is reduced serotonin levels.

Apple Cider Vinegar & Blackstrap Molasses – I could put both of these in the sections of diet or supplementation, however; I consider both of these so fundamentally important to the management of my own symptom’s, I decided they needed a whole special section of their own! ACV is considered a bit of an old wives tale or folklore and a remedy for numerous health and non-health related issues. I use it to help combat water retention and acne, it also serves as a tonic to reduce food-related cravings. As an added bonus, I noticed my mood swings were a lot less severe when I take ACV, as opposed to when I don’t. All you have to do is google Apple Cider Vinegar to open up an endless stream of reasons as to why we use it.

Blackstrap molasses contains more calcium than a glass of milk as well as a host of other vitamins such as Magnesium, B complex, and vitamins K and E. It also has a high iron content, which makes the health benefits of molasses perfect for people who suffer from anaemia and a girls’ best friend during times of menstruation. Blackstrap Molasses is fat-free and capable of helping the body support a proper acid-alkaline balance. It keeps your skin, smooth and flexible, by boosting elastin and collagen production and it also contains chromium which helps in the metabolism of fat, protein, and carbohydrate. Combining it in a hot tea with your ACV will make it easier to ingest and use a straw if you have concerns about the effect of the acid on the enamel of your teeth.

I take both together as a tonic, first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach. There are varying ideas out there on just how much you should take, anywhere from 1-2-3 tablespoons of ACV once or twice a day when first starting with the tonic. Personally, I take 2 tablespoons of ACV with 1/2 teaspoon of Blackstrap Molasses once daily and find it effective for management of my symptom’s. You may find 1 is enough for you, depending on the degree of your symptom’s. Be prepared to trial and error your dosage within reasonable limits.

As a side note: I experience mores sensitivity topically, when taking Blackstrap Molasses and recommend you avoid excessive sun exposure. As a bonus, within days I noticed my eyes brighten!

Yoga – Naturally, we were always going to get to this topic. Yoga is one of the leading ways to exercise the body to improve poor circulation and mental alertness (both common issues with PMS and PMDD) in a safe and stress free manner. There are, of course, poses to avoid during the actual menstrual period, just as there are also poses we should be implementing more of during this time of the month. There are many conflicting ideas about what poses we should and shouldn’t be practicing during this time so I urge you to use your own awareness and better judgement of your body to make your own decisions. All in all, it is a physical discipline worth keeping up when we’re coming into our cycle.

Meditation – This is something I hold in such high regard, I would consider it of the highest importance if it weren’t for the fact that everything I have listed above, work best if all done complimentary to one another. Meditation is key for reducing stress, aiding in calming mental disturbances and confusion. It allows us to handle many things with greater ease, awareness and control over our emotional responses or reactions.

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Support – Last, but not least, the support from our loved ones, family and even co-workers is vital for navigating these difficult waters. As we sink on down the rabbit hole thinking only to protect them from, what we perceive, to be crazy, delusional and uncontrollable patterns of behaviour; we only dig ourselves deeper into isolation and despair, fuelling an already toxic situation beyond their ability to provide help. Sometimes, just letting a friend, colleague or family member know what it is you are experiencing, is enough to remind you that you have not lost the plot completely and they will, hopefully, provide you with enough understanding and support, to see you through the truly bad days.

They may not fully comprehend exactly what it is you experience during these traumatic times, but when those times do come on suddenly, they will at least know enough to recognize it as a passing moment, without judging you for the crazy, delusional, psychotic woman you feel you have become.

I myself, have been misunderstood to the point of lost friendships and ruined professional relationships. It is really important to remember that, as a sufferer, PMDD is not something any one of us would ever possibly wish for, and I would far rather live without it, than use it as an excuse for bad behaviour or social isolation.

Anyone who has ever considered this, really should live in these shoes for a month to truly experience just how demoralizing, devastating and destructive it can be for someone’s life. I have been called moody, reactive, self-absorbed and sensitive. I have lost friends and been judged. I have lost the respect of my peers and co-workers.

Most damaging of all, it has caused me to think awful things about myself. Before I took control, and long before I was even half as aware as I am now, I suffered a severe panic attack and had seriously considered suicide as the only way out. PMDD is a legitimate disorder and not something to take lightly.

If you, or someone you know, thinks they might have PMDD, please see a health professional. Take control of your life. Look after yourself, you of all the people in this world, are worthy of your own love and care.

If anything, I hope this article has served as a reminder that we are all dealing with something, no matter what it may look like from the viewers platform, or the stories we tell ourselves about our friends and neighbours, or even ourselves. It is such a beautiful thing to live truly, without judgement and with tolerance to see our friends through their darkest of days.

The grass is not greener, merely a different shade.

Live.Love.Give.Yoga.

Annie x

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Inspiration

“The Flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”

~ Walt Disney

 

I am feeling inspired lately. It’s a beautiful feeling, however, I am aware that is just a ‘feeling’ and not my true state of being.

I say this, because prior to these feelings of inspiration, I experienced deep seated feelings of misery, dismay and suffering. If inspiration was my true state, then so too, would misery, dismay and suffering be.

It is easy to become caught up in our own feelings of pain when we experience set backs; far harder to remember that the set backs and feelings that come with them, are not ours to own, merely a feeling that is currently taking up residence in your head, and, if given a chance, could very well manifest as physical pain like tension, headaches, or worse, dis-ease.

It takes a strong character to overcome the many negative thoughts, patterns, paranoia and adversities that threaten the human race. No one person has a head start on the other. We are all here, thrown into the same world, some things happen for some people, while some things don’t happen to others; it isn’t for us to compare one another’s stories so much as it is a challenge to consider your reactions to your own story.

I, myself, am no more or less human then the next person. What is inspiration for me today, could very well turn into resentment tomorrow. It is a feeling, an experience, and it is changeable, unpredictable and indifferent to my true state of being.

It is with constant work and reminding, that I am drawn to create awareness of my thoughts, which ultimately effect my words and subsequent actions as expressed beautifully in this quote by Chinese writer and philosopher, Lao Tzu:

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

This is not to say that we don’t slip up from time to time. For me, tiredness and illness are triggering factors. My mind becomes hazy, unclear and confused and my reactions become distorted, elaborate and wild to say the least.

But through applying yourself diligently to the task, eventually, you will start to notice changes in your own habits and patterns; experiencing evenness, focus and a calm approach to life as a whole, no matter the situation. There are actions you can undertake now in order to take a step in the right direction.

Creating a healthy environment within the physical body is an excellent place to start! Right nutrition, exercise, and relaxation are key determining factors in how your thoughts start to unravel as reactions. Naturally, I’m going to suggest Yoga, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

You can even start right now by changing the thoughts in your head. If the idea of a lifestyle change for the better seems daunting, become the observer and watch the thoughts play out in your head as to WHY having a healthy approach to your life might be considered a threat? All too often we place the obstacles in our own paths; excuses designed by the ego to trick us into believing we are not capable, worthy or the wrong candidate for the job.

Have a little look at these thoughts, take a step back, and pull them apart for a moment. Now I would like  you to rearrange them. You are capable, worthy and the right candidate. In fact, you are more than these things and you are deserved of a healthy and active lifestyle, regardless of your current situation, limitations or challenges.

Taking a positive approach to life is VITAL. I appreciate that ‘little miss sunshine’ of positivity is not always welcome when we are knee deep in mud and sinking fast, but I bet she would take a different approach given the circumstances, and that could change the outcome all for the better, even if it means sinking with a smile rather then a struggle.

I love the community I seem to have found myself amongst on Instagram. Social media, for all intents and purposes, can be used as a powerful, resourceful and positive tool. Lately there have been a few stand out Instagrammers delivering powerful messages of overcoming adversity by highlighting what could of been a life of misery, and turning it into a life of joy and purpose.

Jessica Quinn @jessicaemilyquinn had her leg removed by amputation at the age of 9 due to cancer and has been wearing prosthetic limbs ever since. She has an amazingly healthy life which includes running, boxing and yoga among many other things. Her Instagram feed oozes positivity, vitality and an ‘anything is possible’ approach to life, her enthusiasm is infectiously contagious!

Dan Nevins @dannevins is another amputee causing a riot on Instagram with his uplifting posts and inspirational yoga feed. This guy is a wounded warrior and has had both legs amputated, he is a professional speaker who, for over a decade, has shared an inspirational message of leadership, perseverance, resilience and overcoming adversity with audiences around the globe. His work with professional and business communities enables his passion of sharing and teaching yoga to the world.

Cheyanne Abolt, on Insta as @happyhealthyexistence is another cancer survivor with an Instagram feed FULL of happy, healthy and positive images and words. She is a yogi with a stand out caption on her profile, ‘Inspiring myself daily’. I couldn’t have said it better. All of these people, having faced extreme adversity, and endured tests of strength and character, are radiating love because of their own approach to a challenging situation.

The lesser known Colleen @saltysweetie is one of my favourites. We have had an Instagram connection since my early days. I appreciate her openness and the courage for telling her story of what it’s like living with Cystic Fibrosis. For the majority, Cystic Fibrosis is a little known disease.  My youngest niece was diagnosed with CF and it has altered the lives of my sister and her family dramatically. That’s not to say they aren’t doing amazing considering! Colleen’s approach to her condition affects me personally and I find it motivational and encouraging for the future of my niece, and other young sufferers. Those affected by Cystic Fibrosis have an average lifespan of just 37 years, Colleen is 30. There is no known cure for the disease and funding towards research is often minimal (country dependant).

These are just a few examples of people doing amazing things when dealt a dark card, and all of them have this one, big thing in common ~ it all comes from within.

Oh, and let’s not forget yoga, they all practice yoga!

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I am really excited to share with you a brain child I have been cultivating these last couple of months. Utilizing the lovely space and support of House of Yoga (www.houseofyoga.co.nz) we will be launching a yoga program in July aimed at reaching the younger female leaders of tomorrow. The program will be providing a safe space to start building confidence and awareness within the pre-teen female, giving her the tools I only wish I had at this age, to create an amazing life of vitality, compassion, understanding and love!

I would love to hear your stories of inspiration, perhaps I could share them with the girls’ when we hold our sister circle of trust; send me a message, add me on Instagram, let’s connect and be each others support and motivation!

Live. Love. Give. Yoga.

Annie x

Vipassana

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” Gautama Buddha

 

After completing my first 10 day silent Vipassana meditation course recently, a series of three dominating thoughts came to mind. First and foremost, ‘Why don’t more people talk about this?’ followed by, ‘This is here and available to everyone, yet so few have heard of it… I must write about this!’, finally deciding, ‘I will write about it, but I need to make sure I write in such a way, I do it justice and leave it open to the individual to make their own inner journey and interpretation as they see fit.’

You will not be hearing about my own personal journey with Vipassana beyond the absolute appreciation and gratitude I have for being open enough to receive this wonderful technique and consequently, employing the practice into my everyday life. Vipassana is not a well-kept secret designed only for an exclusive few, but every person’s experience, as already mentioned, is truly unique and individual.

True to Buddhist beliefs, the technique and the meditation practice as a whole, is available to everyone, remaining entirely universal and non-sectarian. In fact, so much so, it runs entirely on a donation basis, without expectation for return. Below you will find a brief introduction on the course, taken from New Zealand’s own Vipassana Meditation Centre, The Dhamma Medina www.medini.dhamma.org

“Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation. It was taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an Art of Living.

The technique of Vipassana Meditation is taught at ten-day residential courses during which participants learn the basics of the method, and practice sufficiently to experience its beneficial results. There are no charges for the courses – not even to cover the cost of food and accommodation. All expenses are met by donations from people who, having completed a course and experienced the benefits of Vipassana, wish to give others the opportunity to also benefit.”

The Vipassana technique for meditation means to gain insight into the true nature of reality. Also used as a path towards self-realization, which is the fulfilment of one’s own potential.

You will need to take your own 10 day course with a Buddhist Vipassana centre in order to understand, learn and adopt the technique for your own practice at home. It is a very serious undertaking that should not be taken lightly, nor attempted on your own. In saying this, I hope not to discourage anyone from sitting for Vipassana and experiencing this truly unique and blessed gift.

It is something anyone can do, given a little self-will and discipline, and, just like anything you take on in your lifetime, you will get out of it just as much as you put in. Do not expect miracles. Most of it is exceptionally tough work. You are, after all, dealing with the many layers of accumulative ‘stuff’ of your psyche from the many years and experiences gone by.

You may find it easier if you already have a regular meditation practice, as you should already be comfortable sitting for longer periods at a time, this could also mean that you have already started the process of ‘weeding’ out all those deep roots (negative thought patterns, ideas, self-doubt, etc.) planted so long ago. I use ‘may’ and ‘could’ cautiously as there are a number of meditation techniques out there using different processes to achieve different results. No one technique should ever be deemed ‘better’ than another and Vipassana certainly doesn’t claim to be the only path, merely, one of the options for you to try when you are ready.

Keep in mind, however, that even if you already have an existing meditation practice, this does not necessarily mean you have the upper hand on the technique or the experience and anyone, with or without an existing practice, should always enter into the technique with an open mind free of expectations.

Now you may find yourself asking, “Okay Annie, if there are so many techniques available, why should I sit in silence for a 10 day Vipassana you’ve just described as ‘exceptionally tough work’?

Vipassana does not focus on anything external to get you to the place most meditators seek, instead relying on your own unique experience through will power and self-discipline, to go deeper, to get to the core, the essence, of your very being. It will implore you to tap into your own potential, using your own strength, your own capacity to empower yourself. Vipassana focuses on within.

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” – Gautama Buddha

Anyone who’s ever spoken with me, taken one of my classes, read one of my posts, followed me on Instagram or liked my Facebook page knows just how strongly I feel about empowering oneself to make change and transformation for the betterment of your own, individual life. After all, the only way we can expect to see any change in our external world; is to cultivate it organically from within.

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Vipassana will challenge you to go to the deepest roots of your own self-placed limitations and obstacles. It will take you to places you never even knew existed, perhaps even to places long forgotten, thought insignificant or placed in the ‘too difficult to handle’ pile. It will call you to account for your own journey and subsequent paths, and, if not already, life now becomes monumentally vital and important.

Life becomes significant.

When you think about it, 10 days really is a small fraction of a life time. 10 days to bring you a few steps closer to liberation. 10 days to ‘gift’ you this amazing technique for self-transformation, for self-realization. 10 days to experience life without all the excessive buzz of our modern day society. 10 days to work on and discipline the self, to gain more confidence, more clarity, more awareness, compassion and love; not just for self, but for others too.

Within this small time frame of your life, you will also experience wonderful gifts of generous food and service from previous Vipassana students, peace and solitude from others, teachers on hand for more direct guidance, and a beautiful, quiet and serene environment. Free from distractions and completely focused on calming, and restoring the modern monkey-mind of today’s must-have-now, must-do-now society.

By day 5 I had already decided to go back within the next 6 months to sit another 10 days, as well as returning again in 2017 to serve on one of the courses. I have stayed strong with my decision, through the hard times during and after the course. No matter what has been brought to the surface upstairs in that that monkey mind of mine, I have no doubt that the technique works and will only be as effective as the time I give in ‘service’ to myself; to make sure there is no time lost, no time wasted on thoughts, things and behaviours which no longer serve me, or those around me, well.

For others, they may never sit another one again. However, there are some like myself, who will repeatedly return for the course, and continue the practice at home. By sitting the 10 days, you are not bound by the technique, nor by the 10 day length, but I encourage you to stay, even through the hardest of times. After which, if it did not resonate with you at all, you are free to leave it in the past and move on to try something else.

I can only say from my own personal experience, that I now know how logical and practical the teaching is and feel it can be something for everybody, if only you might just give it a fair trial? 10 days of a lifetime is not too much to ask for liberation of the soul!

Just as I say about my yoga practice, it doesn’t take time, it gives time. It lives and breathes new, fresh and focused energy. It allows more time for sharpness, single pointed clarity and decisiveness, and enables the meditator to use these gifts wisely in order to cut through all the B.S. so we can concentrate on the things that really matter. Giving them our full attention and devotion, with absolute love and compassion for the experience of that one moment.

For the experience of living life.

I could write so much more, but the experience can only ever be yours for the taking…

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

 Live. Love. Give. Yoga.

Annie x

www.dhamma.org

Vipassana is an ancient Buddhist technique taught by Gautama Buddha in India at around 580 B.C for self-realization. After some time, the technique suffered under the weight of religious sects (Buddhism is non-sectarian) and other influences, diminishing in education and finding refuge in a minority of teachers and students in Burma (Myanmar) for centuries before its re-emergence to India through the late Mr. Goenka in 1969.

Over a period of almost 45 years, Mr. Goenka and the teachers appointed by him taught hundreds of thousands of people in courses in India and other countries, East and West. Today, meditation centres established under his guidance are operating in Asia, Europe, the Americas, Africa and Australasia.

 

 

Strength

“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.” ~ Ryunosuke Satoro

A little over a year ago I made a solid decision to change the path of my working life to align more with the path of my spiritual life.

Best. Decision. Ever.

Some say, the hardest part, is in knowing what that is and making the decision. As soon as that decision has been made you can start to let go of overwhelming thoughts about your future, sharpen your focus and, in theory, start laying down the building blocks of foundation, to allow further, stable growth during your progression.

I am so grateful to have taken the time to build those foundations when I did, as my progression into a full immersion of ‘everything yoga’ happened swiftly, full of momentum and excitement of what was to come.

There was a small moment of apprehension when it all felt ‘too good’ however this soon passed when I realized my prayers had been answered and I was being granted an amazing opportunity to actually live a life conducive to my beliefs, my practice and my devotion to spiritual growth and understanding oneness.

It has been almost 6 months of absolute immersion. I have sacrificed a lot of my previous life in order to do this, but the rewards have been abundant and generous and what I have gained has given me so much more than I ever expected or intended. I am not talking about money, fame or acclaim. I’m not talking contracts, sponsorship or anything physical that might result in material items or worth.

I’m talking about strength, confidence, and discernment.

Compassion, expression, and tenderness.

Release, understanding and peace.

Support, friendships and community.

Love. For self and, naturally, as a result, for others.

All of these things have transformed a life I was already feeling blessed to be a part of, into something even greater, bigger and more expansive then just me alone.

There have been learning curves, still and always as I not only now fill my role as teacher, but also the eternal student, the forever student. Learning from those around me whilst also imparting my own knowledge has been a beautiful experience. It reminds me of a continuous circle, a constant flow, of infinity.

It reminds me that while it is important to find your own inner strength and cultivate a strong self-foundation; the energy, support and strength we find with one another is so, so very important and fundamental for further growth.

Using discernment to choose ‘right association’ is detrimental in developing healthy relationships, whether it be a friend, lover, colleague or other. By encouraging those who support, nurture and ground you, allows both parties to feel secure in the relationship, without fear of manipulation, deceitful behaviour or misappropriated action on behalf of the other.

Here we come full circle again. So, how do you develop discernment within? Those that know me well, know I cut to the chase pretty quickly. I am soft by nature, but when it comes to strength and personal spiritual growth, I’m a no frills, cut the crap, give it to you honest kind of girl – there is no easy option here, you need to employ self-will and dedication, you need to put in the effort and stick with it, you need to know that it’s worth it. There is no exclusivity or any one particular method (price tag attached where applicable!) that will provide you with strength, liberation and love. You need to find your own self-realization through dedication, devotion and will power before you can progress on your life path spiritually.

So, let’s cut the crap and get to the baseline of our current existence – the material world.

Inner strength isn’t just about physical health and wellbeing, but it’s certainly an excellent place to start. In order to shift our focus inwards to the mental and spiritual sides of self, we first need to remove the distractions of the physical body. Exercise, discipline, rest and nutrition are key areas to address.

You only need 1 hour a day of reasonable exercise in order to start addressing previous ailments, injuries or concerns that might normally inhibit your ability to go inward. Add in a diet which is mindful, nutritious, healthy and sensible, and the two start to work together, organically restoring good health and vitality to your physical body.3a377JecxfpxnyWxj4MSc3dyKjaEzoaBDEcydzF6b6U

(I am not even going to delve more deeply into nutrition here, if anyone has any specific questions please feel free to email me separately)

Keep in mind that some previous occurrences of old ailments, injury and disease can take a long time to reverse, if it is at all possible. This will be largely contributed to the length of time the specific area/s of concern have been around.

I like putting discipline and rest together as a little package, which may sound ironic, however; knowing when to apply the pressure, and when to use the brake pad are extremely important tools to learn. Students in my classes are probably tired of always hearing me say, ‘honour your body, honour yourself’, but the words are said with a purpose to remind them to be present in their bodies and acknowledge when to take it a little bit further, or perhaps, when to lighten up a little, and back it off. Preventing illness or injury is far more effective and efficient then treating it.

In the earlier stages of employing a new healthier approach to your physical body, it’s not unusual to feel tired, fatigued and generally unwell, before you start to enjoy all this delicious goodness about to come your way. It’s just your physical body working hard to restore balance and releasing that which no longer serves it well, such as toxin build up in hard hitting areas like the pancreas or liver.

Start your new lifestyle with common sense and try not to overwhelm the body with an all or nothing approach. Otherwise it will inevitably lead to collapse and a tendency to go the other extreme, giving up your well-intentioned pursuit all together, jumping ship and abandoning the promise of a stronger you.

Once your physical body is starting to feel a little more ordered, healthy and strong, it makes sense that the next natural step is clearing out the distractions of the mind. This has already had a jump start by implementing those steps of the physical self, aiding the mind to become sharper through rest, exercise and good food.

The next step is creating awareness of thought, and using that awareness to prevent negativity or inappropriate thought patterns to reoccur. This is hard. Really hard. We are basically trying to retrain and reprogram our mind to disallow thoughts of things which no longer serve our growth and prevent us from experiencing our true, beautiful selves.

Much like the physical body, mental injury and dis-ease is carried with us long after a situation event or person has left our present world. It can take time to heal these wounds, and for some serious issues, I would highly recommend the help of a mental health professional over attempting to resolve these on your own. Take your time to find the right person to help you, someone that you resonate with. It’s important that you see them as someone who supports your progress to better health, physically, mentally and spiritually.

If you are lucky enough to be free of any serious mental distractions, we revisit our dedication to the path and continue to train the mind with positive thought, empowered will and love. Always, always choose love. If you have reached this stage of mind training and are ready to take it to the next level, guess what comes next… meditation!

I thought I had made some serious and impressive changes in my life over the last many number of years, however, it wasn’t until I got serious with meditation that things really started to S H I F T.

‘But I don’t know how.’

I hear this all the time, and once, used to say the same thing. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, cut out the crap, there is no need to employ methods or techniques that serve only to entertain and dance with your fantastical idea of what ‘spirituality’ actually is. Sit down, focus your attention on your breath and stay there. Whenever your mind wanders, bring it back, remind it where it needs to be.

Simple really. Just takes a lot of practice and a lot of dedication. Like anything we ‘learn’, it takes time, you have to apply yourself, you have to make time and you have to keep practicing in order to progress along the path.

If you can manage it, focus your attention to IT. I’m not going to label IT, because essentially, I open myself up to judgement based on the word I use to describe IT. IT is all powerful, all knowing, non-judgemental, all loving. IT is compassionate yet strong, and can create or destroy in the blink of an eye. IT is everything and nothing in oneness, representing infinity with no beginning and no end.

If that is too much for your mind to comprehend, then simply, just come back to your breath.Meditation

Whenever your thoughts wander, stray or distract you from your purpose, much as we do with the physical body, employ a degree of dedication and devotion to the task, employ will power and return to the breath. Or if you’ve managed to surrender all sense of ego and pride around the label, then return to IT.

Your goal is not to attain an everlasting moment of happiness, because that too will pass. The purpose is to apply yourself and stick with it. The purpose is to release those physical and mental binds that block your path and prevent you from seeing your beautiful, strong, illuminated light within.

Am I saying I have reached the pinnacle, the end, illumination or self-realization? That would be a seriously foolish thing to imply. I, like many others, have a long, long way to go on this path.

But, I am dedicated, I am devoted and I am always working on myself. I am not looking for the end because I know it doesn’t exist. I am constantly building strength, love, humility, compassion and all those other things you have heard me wax lyrical about only too many times already!

Work on the physical, mental and spiritual self is a CONSTANT work in progress. Every minute of every hour of every day of each week of all the years, you will be presented with situations that will tease and test your devotion to the task at hand.

Build strong foundations. Find inner strength. Build relationships through right association and discernment – for even someone as strong-willed and independent as myself knows that these people are my pillars of support, my strength in times of personal weakness, my inspiration, my joy, they hold my heart, they keep me sane, their smiles are infectious. They feed me when I have given up hope, they have lifted me when I was down, and they stuck around when I was at my worst.

Yes, I am independent, opinionated, strong and at times a little controversial. Yes, I go inward to recharge my batteries and escape the waxing and waning energies of those around me. Yes, I am living a life I love regardless of what others may be thinking.

But the peace I’ve found in knowing I have this amazing network of people supporting and nurturing me, is uplifting, inspiring and encouraging. They make me stronger, and I, in turn strengthen them. Together, united and supportive of one another, we represent a communal strength, a family; together we all abandon attainment for self and represent collective love, collective strength, unity. Wholeness. Oneness.

collective strength

What a strong, powerful and beautiful way to walk your path, knowing that even if each step is taken in silence and physically, on your own; there’s a whole world of strength we can tap into when needed, and that thought alone, gives me strength.

Thank you to my family, the friends who have stuck with me through the harder times, and the many new ones I’ve made through my travels in recent years; thank you to the people who left imprints on my heart if only for a brief moment; thank you to all the beautiful souls I find myself meeting every single day; thank you to those who open their hearts to me and believe in me, entertaining all of my wild and wacky ideas, who support my growth spiritually, and in taking the time to know me as a human Be-ing, know that I only want the best for you all.

Thank you for sharing your strength with me. I hope one day, I can repay you all.

Live. Love. Give. Yoga.

Annie x

I am Now.

“To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.” ~ William Blake

Today, not unlike any other, I took my asana practice to a deck overlooking the sea. I was flowing with my breath, making shapes with my body, and transitioning effortlessly from one pose to the next when I found myself coming to an abrupt stop and balancing on the palms of my hands to focus on one tiny little grain of sand that lay beneath the point of my two eyes.

In that moment, nothing else mattered. Not the pose, not my body, and most certainly not my mind. It was surrounded by many other grains of sand, but my eyes remained still, my focus sharp, time quite literally, just stopped and my world became this one, little grain of sand.

I have no recollection of why I stopped, nor what pose I was balancing in (Bakasana, Adho Mukha Vrksasana, Pincha Mayurasana?), I couldn’t tell you what I may have been thinking prior to that moment, or even how far I was into my practice. All I knew, was that, there, in that grain of sand, my world lay waiting. Still, in absolute peace, untainted, whole and perfect.

Rewind 6 years ago and I am walking up a mountain in Kodaikanal, Southern India. Tureya ashram, my home for almost 4 months, was off in the distance and I was walking slowly, deliberately, mala beads in hand, rolling one bead after the other and repeating my mantra. I look up briefly and see the lamppost. This particular post had become familiar to me and I would use it as a gauge on time and distance for my daily walks.

Many moments later, still stepping one foot after the other, still rolling the beads, still chanting, I look up again. The lamppost is still there.

I stop dead in my tracks. I have already passed this lamppost, checked off my gauge, taken my token gaze over the ashram and moved on, up the mountain. Or had I?

These two mind blowing experiences are rare and divine and can only occur when you are absolutely, living in the moment. Completely present, empty in thought, devoid of attachment, of emotions and wherever you find yourself at the time, totally devoted to your practice, still or moving.

We talk about it often, and seldom experience it. But it need not be this way. The world with which we now live is extremely fast paced. The term ‘living life to the full’ has been blown completely out of proportion and appears to be more focused on experiences of quantity over quality.

It’s time we took back control of our lives. Constantly swinging from one thing to another, never really giving it the focus it deserves, will have you swept off your feet and back into drama before you know it. The more focus you give something, the greater it becomes.

This is how my grain of sand became a world.

If you, like many others, find yourself constantly hearing the words ‘too busy’ exiting your mouth; a) stop telling your friends this, the last thing they want to hear is that you don’t have time for them and b) you are really only inviting more busy in; more stress, more chaos, more drama, less time.

Ever heard the term, ‘Yoga doesn’t take time, it gives time’? Nothing could be more true. By taking the time in yoga, be it 10 minutes or an hour, you create more space to move into. Your world expands and everything becomes less, but more. Less busy, more mindful. Less anger, more love. Less rushed, more peace.

You can even apply it to your asana practice, ‘I inhale to expand and create space, I exhale to move into that space using effortless effort and releasing that which no longer serves me.’

I have been using this a lot recently in my classes.

‘That’ could be a tight muscle, or a problematic friend. ‘That’ might be an old injury, or a limiting pattern of thought. ‘That’ might be a blocked digestive tract, or writers block. ‘That’ could be a rigid spine, or a restrictive relationship.

I have made a conscious decision to change my life, physically and mentally so that I may live more and more in the present moment. And for those of you who think it has come without sacrifice, take another look, go deeper and you will see or maybe, one day, experience it yourself.

To be in the present moment also requires courage, but not the kind that sees you throwing yourself out of an air plane and plummeting at high speeds towards the ground. I’m sorry, no offense to those readers who have subjected themselves to the fantasy that this is the biggest leap they will ever take, but essentially, all you’ve done is thrown yourself out of a fast moving object, 14,000 miles above the earths surface with nothing but a flimsy bit of material to shield you from the firm hard surface below!

I’m talking about something that takes more then a few moments of spontaneous, action and mindlessness; I’m talking about something that requires strength of character, determined will and action with awareness.

I’m talking about courage to live your life without fear of judgement. Courage to step out of mainstream consumerism and materialism. Courage to live a life you believe in wholeheartedly. Courage to say, this is me, take it or leave it. Courage to dream and live that dream.

You will be met with opposition, and it will persist, even years later. It is not for you to fight against the opposition as much as it is for you to fight for you, every day building strength of will so that you may live your life intuitively, freely and without judgement from self. So that you may find yourself, completely without thought, without burdens or attachment to objects, ideas or people and entirely, in the moment, in your practice, living your yoga.

Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe

Does this mean that I have no thought of others, am self absorbed and removed from society as a whole? On the contrary, my world has expanded and is now filled with blissful moments and beautiful people. The connection I have with others goes deeper, and the appreciation I have for the smallest of things encourages me to embrace my inner child. Choosing to avoid status quo has actually found me within a society, a community, built with compassion, truth, love and acceptance. Non attachment has given me the freedom to see anger but not become the anger.

Of course, it is a constant state of practice and awareness. It hasn’t been an easy road, there have been many obstacles and there could very well be many more.

Yoga is not just a physical practice of poses, it clearly goes deeper and penetrates those layers of illusion we have built around us, shielding us from the very thing we need in order to understand and live our truth. Through asana practice, we start to gently, subtly, peel away those layers. Those layers which are preventing you from living in the present, from truly experiencing your right to live your life here, on this earth, being present, and truly in the moment.

The moment is there for everyone. It’s not selective or exclusive, nor does it come with a list of prerequisites to gain entry. It doesn’t judge you, and it will not hold you accountable. The moment is yours, and it’s there for you to experience whenever you are ready.

Yoga practice, Life practice, same, same. Breathe in the pose, to become the pose. Breathe in that moment of restlessness, to become the rest. Breathe now, to become now.

I am here, I am that. I am Now.

Live.Love.Give.Yoga.

Annie

Karma

 

“The sun never says to the earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.” ~ Hafiz

Sri Yogi Hari handing out fresh coconut

Karma ~ In Hinduism and Buddhism: the sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

 

Karma yoga ~ In Hinduism: the discipline of selfless action as a way to perfection.

 

We often talk about karma with a half-hearted sense of understanding, using it silently, on a wish of revenge for an unsuspecting enemy. Or perhaps, as a way to find within ourselves, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of achievement that we are good or saintly. That we did good, therefore we will receive good in return.

 

There is nothing wrong with doing good in the world. Ever. I would far rather someone did something good for the greater universe so they would feel better within themselves, than if they didn’t do anything at all.

 

However, how many times can you honestly say you gave selflessly, without expectation and demand?

 

The karma yogi makes all actions an offering to a higher being, the higher intellect, with no thought of personal gain. Through serving others one is selflessly serving the universe, selflessly serving the divine.

 

The path of Karma Yoga means just this and follows the cosmic laws of cause and effect *. The Rishis, Hindu saints or seers, (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rishi) conducted thorough investigations into the nature of reality and universe and discovered three laws:

 

  • There is no effect without a cause
  • The effect is the cause in a different form, like steam is another form of water
  • If you remove the cause from the effect, nothing remains

 

The Bhagavad Gita (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhagavad_Gita ) itself gives summary of the karma yoga process. The Gita (the most famous episode from the Sanskrit epic, the Mahabharata) refers to a time when Sri Krishna, friend and charioteer to Prince Arjuna, teaches the nature of sacrifice, the nature of action, the means to liberation and the relationship of human beings to the universe.

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Mother Theresa and Mahatma Ghandi are both examples of karma yogi practitioners. Giving selflessly, of time, material wealth and personal service, so that others may benefit from their generosity and humanity. Sacrificing for others, and for the greater universe as a whole.

 

My own personal karma yoga has taken form under the guise of this very blog. It is certainly nothing like the humanitarian work of those I’ve just mentioned, but it is within my means and is a free resource available to anyone with internet connection. My hope is that it can and will be used for reference and guidance by others in times of need.

 

Blogs are started by people all over the world for many different reasons. I do not wish to be famous or make a ridiculous amount of money (although any abundance of material wealth the universe decides to gift me is always welcome on my yogi’s wage), I am not a showman or circus performer and despite my love of debate and philosophical discussion, I don’t write this just to have my voice heard.

 

(Although I will add as a side note here; I blame my rising sun, Leo, and my Chinese sign of the Monkey, for any fool hardy, extroverted attempts at showmanship that you may have witnessed in the past, or which may appear in future writings…)

 

Here’s where I get all yogi-cliché’ and tell you something you have probably heard many times before from others, but it is one of the most truthful things to have ever fallen out of my mouth and into the form we know commonly, as words , words which hold deep meaning.

 

Yoga saved my life.

 

I have been practicing for the better part of 15 or so years, however, it wasn’t until my marriage broke, and I flew the country coop to flip my life upside down, inside out and around a many number of times, that my mental state really started to crack.

 

When I left, I was strong. So strong. I maintained this strength, despite feeling otherwise, for quite some time.

 

That’s what is expected when you’re the one who ends something that looks, by all appearances to be the pinnacle of happiness. You made the call, so you bear the brunt of the decision. Let’s not even go into why the decision was made, it’s completely irrelevant to the story. However, you should know, that the man in question is one of the most loving, beautiful, and generous persons I have ever had in my life, and I am so grateful for our time together.

 

And so, here I was. Still strong. Still, by all appearances, smiling widely and loving life, exploring, seeking, experiencing. Without giving you my whole life spiel (or at least the last 8 years, which would still fill an entire book with room for a sequel – did anyone say Eat, Pray, Love?!), everything that had happened, which I clearly hadn’t addressed emotionally, encouraged my yoga practice to deepen. A lot.

 

I remember when I first went THERE. Yogi’s – You know it, that  d e e p  place you’ve been avoiding, pushing to the side, completely ignoring. Holy crap, I burst into loud, sobbing tears in the middle of Savasana (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shavasana) during a packed class in Central London.

 

It was humiliating, but I couldn’t stop. I was finally acknowledging my worth and my existence, I had actually started to forgive myself. I was experiencing self-compassion. That is the power of yoga.

 

Flashback a year earlier, I had completely broken. I honestly, wanted to die. I had to talk myself out of some pretty hairy thoughts, and that was damn hard. I was experiencing self-hatred. That is the power of ego.

 

Yes, I’m fully aware of the irony here. Writing a post about selflessness and admitting that I have experienced absolute selfishness is hard. But, it is the truth. And anyone who has been through, or even still going through, depression and thoughts of suicide will know fully well how difficult a task it is to claw your way back out of that dark hole.

 

I was lucky. The mental warrior within knew it could handle what was to come, the mental warrior within wanted me to love myself, to love others. To show true compassion and courage, not with ego, but with love, with life.

 

The emotional release you get from your physical practice is powerful. It is most definitely  work, and still in progress, but slowly, you start to peel away the layers, until all that is left, is you. Stark, naked, bare and fully exposed, just as you are. No mask, no cloak, no ego. Your essence, your soul, complete love.

 

And wow, the level of love and compassion I have for myself and others now is so empowering and beautiful, all I want to do is share it. And the best thing is, it’s growing every single day. Some days are still harder than others, but it lessens as time moves on, and you learn to accept who you are completely.

 

The reason I am so submerged through yoga, with yoga; in fact, the whole reason I feel so compelled to write about yoga, teach yoga and still practice yoga, is because of my experience/s, I really believe it is the way towards universal harmony and acceptance, and I want others to feel what I feel now.

 

To smile widely and really mean it, to break through the mental barriers that have held us captive for far too long, united through yoga, through life, through living, and connected through love.

 

This is my Karma Yoga. This is why I write livelovegiveyoga.com.

 

I earn money through teaching, yes, I still have to live in this world, pay rent and bills like everyone else. But through my blog, through the love of yoga, it is without expectation and with absolute gratitude to this universe, for receiving the gift of knowing yoga, and being blessed with the ability to share it with others.

 

Even if it only reaches just one person, that will be enough.

 

It doesn’t have to be big. Some days, the joy I get from cleaning the house surprises me. I go about my work, singing and whistling away to the universe like we’re sharing something special, something unique. Even better when I’m in the garden, chattering away to the tiny insects and plants like they were my brothers and sisters. And, in many ways, they are.

 

Your karma yoga is not restricted to human beings, everything is considered one with this universe, extend your love in whatever way you know how. Through plants, the environment, animals, or humans. Ironically, Karma doesn’t judge!

 

 

We are all connected, remember this and your actions will become more mindful, less selfish, and gifted by love.

 

Live.Love.Give.Yoga.

Om Shanti, Annie

 

*Reference: http://www.yogihari.com/yoga-teacher-training-course-200-hours/ my teacher, my guru, for the resource on the cosmic laws of Karma and the Rishis

Attachment

“Sometimes we find that we like our thoughts so much that we don’t want to let them go.” ~ Pema Chodron

 

We have often heard, that to love something, we must set it free. Supporting the philosophical view that attachment is the root cause of disappointment, sadness, anger, and illusion, among many other things.

 

I have been a long time practitioner in the art of detachment, known otherwise as the art of withdrawing desire from lesser things. Those other things are referring to the material cravings and objects which keep us rooted firmly into this earth, much like the trees in our own backyards.

 

Most of my classes start with the simple request for students to hang their baggage up outside the room, leaving that which no longer serves them in order to be fully present in their yoga. Often it’s a temporary ‘hold’ during the allocated hour, or so, of an asana practice before picking up those same, heavy bags and plodding off, out into the material world again.

 

Hey, I’m not judging. I said I practice the art of detachment, I never said I’ve mastered it! And just when I think I’ve made progress, the universe never fails to drop me a reminder that I still have a long way to go yet.

 

This time around, it’s come in the form of a person, and straight off the back of a truthful, heartfelt post about what it’s really like to be 35, female, single, childless and yet, still happy (go back a couple of posts, you can’t miss it!).

 

I finally swallowed my fear and opened up, speaking freely about the fact that you can live a happy life, making your own rules (while living a life according to positive ethical and moral standards), and it doesn’t have to revolve around another person, a love, a child, a house, a settlement, your career, etc.

 

I stand by my post. I don’t believe I said anything ‘wrong’, hurtful or judgemental about the way others live. I respect other people’s choices to live their lives in whichever way they choose and I still love my life, I know I always will.

 

However, ironically, only days later, someone stepped into my life who inadvertently distracted me, and who I immediately wanted to do absolutely anything and everything for.

 

Note to Universe: Very funny.

 

The art of detachment. Does this apply to people?

 

I can understand not having to need someone, because we should be able to stand strong on our own two feet, fight the good fight with light, love and compassion. We’ll never really know when the person we’ve relied so heavily on over the years might disappear, perhaps through death or some other means.

 

And then what? What will you do? Break down? Panic? Completely fall apart…

 

I have learnt this lesson already. Through my ups and downs in relationships and of course, also through the loss of loved ones. But, what if knowing what you know about attachment, you still choose to want someone in your life?

 

Is this still attachment?

 

I would say you’re treading the line and it’s going to hurt like hell when that line breaks and the attachment is severed, because burning is still desire. Wanting is still desire. Desire is still material attachment.

 

Revisiting the earlier theory however, detachment is the art of withdrawing desire from lesser things.

 

Does L O V E supersede this?

 

Surely, it has to. It’s L O V E.

 

Why else would we have such a beautiful thing available to us, if it weren’t there for us to enjoy, embrace and share? It reminds me of the quote:

 

“It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all”

 

For only a true believer of love knows this feeling, and even after the many heart breaks and pain we may suffer during our lifetime, I would rather experience love then give it all up to have never known how it felt. To have never experienced that time with that person. To have never smiled T H A T smile.

 

You know the smile I’m talking about, even the memory of it wants to make you dance and sing!

 

After much to and fro on the hot topic of my happy, single, childless life followed by the arrival of an individual I’m enjoying sharing my time with, here we find the even more ironic and cruel twist of fate I was discussing earlier, the imminent departure of the person that fills our heart with such joy.

 

The short lived affair, too short to make any requests to stay and too sweet and endearing to not shed a tear. Maybe a few. Ok, there have been many already.

 

Remove me from my country, take away my house, my car (to be fair, I own none of these things), all of my belongings and money… strip me bare for all the world to see. I don’t care about any of that. I arrived in this world without it, I’ll be leaving this world without it. But L O V E…

 

Writing this immediately after hearing the news was important for me. Thinking instantly about how upset I feel and how it all could have been avoided if I’d only maintained distance and removed all ‘crazy’ ideas of what love, might be, could be… would I be practicing the art of detachment?

 

I conclude no. Because while it has rocked me emotionally and upset me deeply, I would be a robot if I could not at least feel L O V E. And as I mentioned earlier, love truly does conquer all, is it not our very purpose in life to L O V E?

 

And I am no robot, I am a human be-ing, I choose to be here, present, in this moment, flesh and bone and all the rest that comes with a biological body. And in this be-ing resides a beautiful soul, a soul who’s purpose is to love, whose purpose is to give and whose purpose is to live this life, through loss and hardship, the joy and laughter, pains and tears, I am still here and I still love.

 

Yes, these are only my words, musings from a place deep within shared with the many friends, family and strangers who choose to glance upon this post.

 

Writing an article, especially on a topic that is so personal may appear foolish, but if it reminds only one person of the power within to love and appreciate another unconditionally and with full acceptance, then my simple words have meaning. They speak truth and they come from a place deep within, filled to the brim with L O V E.

 

I will miss you.

 

Om Shanti,

Annie x

 

P.S. Perhaps the title for this post should have been ‘Love’ but with all due respect, I’m not sure I could ever do the meaning behind it any justice through my words alone.